if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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