Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
