i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize