Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
A+ Viking dick
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
