Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
