I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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