Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
