why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
