All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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