I'm going to jail i love you
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
