Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
