his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
