Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
