Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
