I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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