Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
