Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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