Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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