Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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