plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So much rum. So many feels.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
