I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
