i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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