I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We got so high we made milksteak
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
