i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
