He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
