I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
