I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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