So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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