My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
