im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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