Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
