Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
They are going to name an STD after you.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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