I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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