my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
