we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
