I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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