If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
