Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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