I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
