Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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