I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
