the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
