After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
