I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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