Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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