so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
