She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
