I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I cut my penus on the lid.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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