dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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