I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
