Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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