You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
