he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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