yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He better not be in your backpack
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
