I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
