how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize