I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize