is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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